Minding Your Own Business

Being the youngest of three children has had its pros and cons throughout my life.  Yes, I was spoiled in my childhood and often heard my parents say “Leave the baby alone,” addressing my siblings.  Being the baby did afford me some privileges.  Both my brother and sister did their part to look out for me, as it should be.

As my siblings and I aged what I find is that they sometimes still look at me as that little baby sister and feel the need to inject themselves into my life with well meaning intentions and unsolicited advice.  I’ll admit my sister does it much more than my brother. She feels that she is the only one who knows what’s best for my life and has no problem letting me know.  It’s infuriating and we’ve had words because she treats me like I’m one of her children. I know I’m not the only person who deals with this.  Are any of these statements familiar to you?

“Did you do this?
“Did you do that?”
“What you need to do is…..”
“I know this might piss you off, BUT…”

 I believe this is something we’re all guilty of, whether it’s with family or friends.  I’ve certainly been guilty of it. We really must learn to stop injecting ourselves into other people’s lives were we’re not asked to be. I’ve dealt with this for many years and recently realized its time for change.  People who constantly have an opinion about something that has nothing to do with them tend to be judgmental and controlling. These very same people will reprimand you if you attempt to do the same to them.  Sound familiar?

We all know the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

• If no one asks for your advice – don’t give it.  When they do ask, give your advice in Love.  More times than not – you don’t have the entire picture.
• If it doesn’t affect you, why get upset about?
• Just because something works for you doesn’t mean it will work for someone else.
• Respect other people’s space and their choices.  It’s called FREE WILL!

“A lifetime can well be spent correcting and improving one’s own faults without bothering about others.”   ~ Edward Weston ~

Whether you’re dealing with this situation with family or friends, Author Mark Matousek put this in perspective as follows:

 This paradox can be excruciating. How is it possible for an ordinary, controlling individual to care intensely about his friends and loved ones without trying to change them? How can we give our treasured advice without feeling attached to its implementation? How can we witness friends making the same terrible decisions again and again — and again — without feeling the need to castigate them? Shouldn’t influence be part of the friendship contract, a modicum of say-so to help us guide the people we love to lead happier, more worthwhile lives?

The answer is: Absolutely not. We’re not meant to have any control whatsoever over the behavior of our friends and (our adult family members.) That is because their behavior is none of our business. Our opinions about the lives of others are void of inherent importance or meaning. This is the price of loving individuals born with a measure of free will: Control is never, ever, an option. We can no more dictate friends’ actions than they call the shots for us. This is the slipperiest slope on the friendship mountain, the most demanding incline of all:

How to be hands off and hands on at the same time;
Committed but not attached;
Attentive but not invasive;
Present yet guaranteedly distant. This distance is extremely important. Friendship requires distance and closeness, just like any intimacy does, which is why knowing when to keep our mouths shut is such a virtue.

Skillful detachment proves to others that we love them for who they are rather than the person they’d be if only they were perfect and listened to us.

Trust me, the old saying is true: the only person you truly have any control over, is yourself.  Tend to the weeds in your own backyard. It takes some practice but in time it will bring us all to a place of peace.

 

Friday Jam – 10/26/12

Thought Provoking #3

This little gem is on a sticky note which hangs on the wall  in my home office.  How many times have you worried about things that never happened?  I try to live  life in such a way that I will not have regrets, but I’m human.  Someone asked me once to look back at my life thus far and was there anything I would do differently?  After a little thought I answered, “I wouldn’t have worried as much as did.”    As a child of God I like to think that I relinguish control of my problems in prayer, but then I find myself still hanging on to them.   What it has taught me is:

                                          Fear and faith cannot exist in the same space.

Just a thought!

Changes

 

According to John Maxwell – People only change three times in their life.

       1)    When they HURT enough that they have to change.

      2)    When they LEARN enough that they want to change.

       3)   When they receive enough resources and support that they are ABLE to change.

 

 

Some Viriations on Popular Quotes

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

There are two theories to winning an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Change is the only thing that will make things different.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In case of an emergency, notify:”, I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

If the grass looks greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is a lot higher too.

Laughter is so good for the soul!

The Best Day of My Life

THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is
the best day of my life, ever!
There were times when I wondered if I
would make it to today; but I did!
And because I did I’m going to celebrate!

Today, I’m going to celebrate what an unbelievable
life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many
blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they
have served to make me stronger.

I will go through this day with my head held high,
and a happy heart.
I will marvel at God’s seemingly simple gifts: the
morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees,
the flowers, the birds.
Today, none of these miraculous creations
will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life with other
people. I’ll make someone smile.
I’ll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of
kindness for someone I don’t even know.
Today, I’ll give a sincere compliment to someone
who seems down.
I’ll tell a child how special he is, and I’ll tell
someone I love just how deeply I care for them and
how much they mean to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don’t
have and start being grateful for all the wonderful
things God has already given me.
I’ll remember that to worry is just a waste of time
because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures
everything will be just fine.

Tonight, before I go to bed, I’ll go outside and raise
my eyes to the heavens.
I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the
moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent
treasures.

As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I
will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life.
And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child,
excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is
going to be ……

The Best Day Of My Life!

~ Gregory M Lousignont ~

Whenever I’m feeling low I like to read this. It always makes me feel better.  Thought I’d share it with you.

Secret Lovers – Are You the Cheater OR the Cheated?

For those of you who have never heard of  Atlantic Starr or their 1985 hit song Secret Lovers, let me introduce it to you. The reason the song shot to #3 on the US charts and was certified Gold – and continues to be a hit on the R & B charts is a testament to the state of the martial/love relationship and the topic of this post. Get a cup of coffee, or a coke, this is going to be a long one.

When two people stand before God and witnesses; profess marriage vows, they usually mean it. The idea of infidelity never enters their minds. To have and to hold from this day forward…yada.. yada.. yada.  In some marriages, years and sometimes months later, the breakdown happens. This becomes a volatile time. Whatever the excuse, “it’s cheaper to keep her,” “I’m staying because of my children,” “I don’t have the strength to start over,” or “It’s complicated.”

Whatever the reason for your cheating on your partner, it’s a no win situation. I’ve talked to more women than men about this problem. So guys, forgive me if you feel left out of this post but there is a pattern with women that I feel needs addressing. Statistically, more men initiate infidelity than women because frankly, I think it’s easier for men to pull it off.

Ladies, listen to me. If you are involved with someone else’ husband the statistics are against his leaving his wife for you. Of the men who leave their wives, very few settle on the mistress and if you’re one of the rare ones naïve enough to believe he has chosen you, beware – he was cheating on her when he got you.

“I didn’t know he was married until I fell in love with him.”

If I had a twenty dollar bill for every time I’ve heard that line. It happened to me once. His name was Steve. I was in college and he detailed my MG Midget. I had never seen a man as fine as Steve. I was in my 20’s and his smile melted me. It started with a drink and then dinner and then another dinner and a movie and more drinks, and the next thing you know…Jed’s a millionaire! It took about three months before I realized things weren’t adding up. He’d show up at my house at all hours of the night and he’d never stay the entire night. He’d tell me, “I have an early morning job to do.” My calls would be abruptly ended, “I’ll call you back” – click! He always had the perfect excuses and my stupid ass would fall for all of them. He finally had to come clean, telling me that his marriage had been over for years and how much he loved me and I had done more for him in three months than his wife had done their entire marriage. I dropped him like third period French! That was my first and last experience with a married man. I’m too selfish to share.

CHEATING

No one likes to be cheated on. It hurts like hell. If you are in a relationship and think you’re being cheated on, please get out! Whether you’re the wife, the girlfriend, or a live-in, you are with a man who cheats. It’s his problem. Stop blaming yourself. When your self-esteem is tied up in another person you set yourself up for failure. People cheat in relationships for various reasons, habit, convenience, curiosity, and because they think they can get away with it. It’s not because of something that is wrong with you. I’ve sat for hours with women beating themselves up. “I have gained a lot of weight in the last year.” “I really don’t fix myself up as much as I use to.”

Secondly, ladies, STOP BLAMING HER! There is nothing more pitiful than to see two women compete for the affections of a cheater. In the case of the married man, if he really wanted to leave his wife he would. He’s doing exactly what he wants to do. It’s working so why should he stop? Often times when an affair is discovered by a woman she immediately blames the other woman. Calling the phone numbers you find in his pocket, writing down the mileage on his car, checking his cell phone and cell phone bill. You’re out with your girlfriend like Cagney & Lacey, tracking the woman down to threaten her to stay away from your man. Really? All of that madness is tied to your self esteem. If you’re spending countless hours tracking a man’s whereabouts, why are you with him?

Stop thinking he’s different with her than he is with you. Men are pretty simple. They don’t change from woman to woman. The women may be different but he’s still the same. If he calls you Boo, he may be calling her Boo as well just so he doesn’t slip up.

Stop thinking he’s getting something different from her than he’s getting from you. Women have this habit of assuming the sex at home must not be good, or there is no communication or understanding, which are all things he’s told you and you’ve bought, hook, line and sinker. Nine times out of ten, he’s getting good sex from both of you. Yes, having his cake, dessert and seconds.

I’ve been cheated on when I thought everything was going fine.  Unfortunately, it happens.

Let me just close by saying, if you happen to be a cheater, male or female, have enough decency for yourself and the other person to be safe about it. I know a woman who cannot have children to this day because of some disease her husband brought home.

Chris Rock received a lot of flack in one of his comedy routines when he made the comment:

“Men are only as faithful as their options!”

What do you think?

Thought Provoking #2

Please feel free to copy and save this to your computer and by all means – PASS IT ON!  Someone shared it with me and it hit me like a ton of bricks because it’s so true. We live in a time that is not so kind.  Life forces and situations have made us bitter and sometimes rude people.  Reality TV is not reality, it’s sensationalism.   I came up in the age of “count to ten” before you speak.  This has replaced that. It takes a little effort at first but when faced with speaking out in anger, by all means….THINK!

Is It Time for Your GoodBye?

No one enjoys being dumped, rejected, laid off, denied, delayed or put down. Sometimes – rejection is God’s protection. People can be blinded by fantasy, abuse, guilt or procrastination and not realize because they lack the strength to move on. God has a way of closing doors to unfulfilling jobs, cutting us off from people who mean us no good and ending relationships where we lacked the integrity, self-esteem, faith or courage to mend it or end it.

Sometimes there is some good in a good-bye. There are times we are too naive or in a comfort zone and the only way we can grow is to experience the GOODBYE. – Jewel Diamond Taylor

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. – Ambrose Redmoon

My “intention” with this post is that I know there are many who are at crossroads/transitions in life. Relationships, jobs, friendships, family problems; heavy decisions that need to be made in order to live the life you should be living, or desperately want to live.

Be encouraged today that sometimes, there is GOOD in goodbye.

So You Want to be Loved

“We have to treat people like we want to be treated – not like we’ve been mistreated.”

There is no higher joy than giving without asking anything in return, especially when we give unconditional love.

Selfishness divides us and we claim superiority over one another in the name of love. Why we have problems loving is because we make love too restrictive. It has too many rules, regulations and expectations. Spiritual love is not about tradition and sentiment. Spiritual love is about truth, trust, acceptance and a willing faith. It’s about seeing God through another person and allowing God to love us through another person.

It’s time to release love from those restrictive boxes.  I can’t complete the picture for someone else. I’m not that strong or Godly. The purpose of relationship is not to have another person complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.

Love is a passion which doesn’t take into consideration any reward, utilization or return. It’s Spiritual – wrapped in total acceptance.

It can be difficult to let go of some of the baggage we carry around with us from one relationship to the next but we need to let it go. Otherwise we will be let go. You can’t start the engine of a new vehicle with the key from your former vehicle.

A relationship needs a foundation and two willing builders.  The outside of a person tells us nothing about what’s inside. We should look at people from the inside out instead of the outside in. That’s why so many people are living lonely lives. Choosing love is not like choosing fruit. The cantaloupe might be smooth on the outside but once you cut it open it’s bitter. The cantaloupes that have the lumps and bumps are usually the ones that are the sweetest.   (read that again!)

Love blossoms where differences are respected and people are allowed to be themselves, rather than something that someone else wants or needs them to be. I can’t be everything for you because I have a hard enough time being enough for myself.  Sometimes we don’t have all the answers. Sometimes we’re wrong.  We need to learn to give up the need to be right. There is no right or wrong…it just is!  For me, that is the essence of spiritual love.

We all have an inherent need to merge with those we love. But we simultaneously desire the comfort of detachment. Love requires a certain amount of freedom. You don’t have to stop living just because you’re sharing a life with another person.  Spiritual love can never be caged.

God is attempting to show us the essence of Spiritual Love. It’s all around us if we would only open our hearts to it. Sometimes we have to take risks. We have to step out on faith. How can we reach out to each other if we aren’t courageous enough to let others see who we really are and what we need?

“……………but the greatest of these is LOVE”
1 Corinthians 13