A Spiritual Love (by request)

“We have to treat people like we want to be treated and not like we’ve been mistreated. “

There is no higher joy than giving without asking anything in return, especially when we give unconditional love.

Selfishness divides us and we claim superiority over one another in the name of love.  Why we have problems loving is because we make love too restrictive.  It has too many rules, regulations and expectations.  Spiritual love is not about tradition and sentiment.  Spiritual love is about truth, trust, acceptance and a willing faith.  It’s about seeing God through another person and allowing God to love us through another person.

 Love can escape the restrictive boxes in which we contain it.

 I can’t complete the picture for someone else. I’m not that strong or Godly.  The purpose of relationship is not to have another person complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.  Love is a passion which does not take into consideration any reward, utilization or return. It’s Spiritual, clothed in total acceptance

It can be difficult to let go of some of the baggage we carry around with us from one relationship to the next but we need to let it go. Otherwise we will be let go.  You can’t start the engine of a new vehicle with the key from your former vehicle.

A relationship needs a foundation and two willing builders. The outside of a person tells us nothing about what is inside.  We must begin to look at people from the inside out instead of the outside in.  That’s why so many people are living lonely lives.  Choosing love is not like choosing fruit.  The cantaloupe might be smooth on the outside but once you cut it open it’s bitter.  The cantaloupes that have the lumps and bumps are usually the ones that are the sweetest.  (read that again!)

Love blossoms where differences are respected and people are allowed to be themselves, rather than something that someone else wants or needs them to be. I can’t be everything for you because I have a hard enough time being enough for myself.  Sometimes we don’t have all the answers.  Sometimes we’re wrong. We must learn to give up the need to be right.  There is no right or wrong…it just is!  That is the essence of spiritual love.

We all have an inherent need to merge with those we love. But we simultaneously desire the comfort of detachment. Love requires a certain amount of freedom.  You don’t have to stop living just because you are sharing a life with another person. Spiritual love is not caged.

God is attempting to show us the essence of Spiritual Love.  It’s all around us if we would only open our hearts to it.  Sometimes we have to take risks.  We have to step out on faith.  How can we reach out to each other if we aren’t courageous enough to let others see who we really are and what we need?   

“……………but the greatest of these is LOVE”

1 Corinthians 13

(c) 2005

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Thought Provoking #21

 

respect-youI discovered YouBetterPreach dot com from Facebook. It’s actually refreshing to find a man dispensing such valuable information for women.  What we deal with, and this goes for both men and women, is often tied to our own issues of self-worth.  If you’re not getting what you want in the relationship, don’t blame the other party, take a look in the mirror. I’ll continue to say it: “We teach people how to treat us.” (Dr. Phil gets the credit for the quote)  Isn’t it time to get off the clearance rack?

Thought Provoking #20

KFC
Hello All, First let me say it’s good to be back to WordPress.  It’s been awhile and all I can say is LIFE HAPPENS!  I’m sure I’ll blog about it soon but for now i wanted to carry on with my Thought Provoking series.   I ran across a really cool Pinterest page called “We All Need Saving Sometimes”  Lots of thought provoking quotes there.  This one caught my attention and I don’t even need to elaborate on it.  The message is perfectly clear.

Thought Provoking #19

WRONG-PERSONIn 1983 Galway Kinnell won the Pulitzer Prize for Poetry. I’ve read a few of his collections in awe. I ran across these words from him and it really touched me.

I’ve written so many pieces about love and how right and wrong it can be. Mr. Kinnell’s words actually make a lot of sense to me. I love the line:  “If you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong.”

I’ve often written the words, we attract who we are. You may have been in relationships where you totally grew to hate or severely despise the other person. Why?  Because some of that very behavior we despise in another person is within us. We attract and are attracted to people who cause us to take a deeper look at ourselves. I’ve always maintained that God put certain men (and people) in my life to teach me some valuable lessons.  If you take the time to sit back and think on past relationships with honesty, you’ll realize that person showed you things about yourself that you needed to know.  It may have been painful but the lesson was there to learn.  For me, that’s what Mr. Kinnell means by wrong in some complimentary way.

In loving someone else we can only give what we have. Period! We can’t give them what we don’t have. We also can’t be for them what they aren’t.  The bible refers to it as being unevenly yoked.  I refer to it as loving equally. When it’s not equal there will always be someone who has more power. There will be someone who gives more.  The only place that leads — is to resentment.  So how do you know if you’re in an equal loving relationship?

When you know within your heart that everything you have and can do, your partner already has and can do for him or herself. 

No one comes without static cling.  We’re all flawed.  It’s literally impossible to find someone who has every single thing we desire in life.  I guess the idea in this piece from Mr. Kinnell is accurate, we find that special person who is wrong for us in just the right way and our scars fall in love.  If done with an open heart and complete honesty, we heal those scars through love.

What do his words mean to you? Please share.

Thought Provoking #17

lOVE-DESERVE

A mentor once said to me, “You attract what you are!”   It was mind-blowing for me. I’d had a few failed relationships that I had a hard time reconciling in my 20s. Why? Why did he hurt me? What did I do?  The things I really didn’t like about myself were being mirrored in the relationships I was having.   To make a long story short – I grew from those experiences.  I learned to stop asking why and wondering for months on end what I did wrong.  It’s really a matter of self esteem. As my self esteem grew stronger, because let’s face it, your 20s are the biggest learning curve of your life, my needs, desires and wants grew stronger.

I’m not a big fan of Dr. Phil but I do hold firm to his phrase, “We teach people how to treat us.”  If you’re in a  no-win relationship step back and do some analysis.   The only reason you’re staying is because you’ve subconsciously convinced yourself  it’s what you deserve. It must be! You’re still in it but you’re still miserable waiting for things to change.  It might sound like a cliche but there is truth in: The only person you can change is you!  

If you subconsciously don’t believe that you deserve BETTER, you won’t get it.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.  A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in.”

Happy Valentines Day

single-status

Infatuation’s Final Destination

“Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speed-ball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement.
Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore — despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, got-damn it, because he used to give it to you for free.

distraught-woman-Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have ‘that thing’ even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you’re someone he’s never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

So that’s it! You have now reached infatuation’s final destination– the complete and merciless devaluation of self.”

Author – Elizabeth Gilbert

I’d like to know what book this excerpt came from.   I ran across it this morning on the internet and thought it was so POWERFUL I just had to share it.   Elizabeth Gilbert is the author of several books, most notably, Eat, Pray, Love.

The message is very clear:  DON’T DEVALUE YOURSELF IN THE NAME OF LOVE.

Secret Lovers – Are You the Cheater OR the Cheated?

For those of you who have never heard of  Atlantic Starr or their 1985 hit song Secret Lovers, let me introduce it to you. The reason the song shot to #3 on the US charts and was certified Gold – and continues to be a hit on the R & B charts is a testament to the state of the martial/love relationship and the topic of this post. Get a cup of coffee, or a coke, this is going to be a long one.

When two people stand before God and witnesses; profess marriage vows, they usually mean it. The idea of infidelity never enters their minds. To have and to hold from this day forward…yada.. yada.. yada.  In some marriages, years and sometimes months later, the breakdown happens. This becomes a volatile time. Whatever the excuse, “it’s cheaper to keep her,” “I’m staying because of my children,” “I don’t have the strength to start over,” or “It’s complicated.”

Whatever the reason for your cheating on your partner, it’s a no win situation. I’ve talked to more women than men about this problem. So guys, forgive me if you feel left out of this post but there is a pattern with women that I feel needs addressing. Statistically, more men initiate infidelity than women because frankly, I think it’s easier for men to pull it off.

Ladies, listen to me. If you are involved with someone else’ husband the statistics are against his leaving his wife for you. Of the men who leave their wives, very few settle on the mistress and if you’re one of the rare ones naïve enough to believe he has chosen you, beware – he was cheating on her when he got you.

“I didn’t know he was married until I fell in love with him.”

If I had a twenty dollar bill for every time I’ve heard that line. It happened to me once. His name was Steve. I was in college and he detailed my MG Midget. I had never seen a man as fine as Steve. I was in my 20’s and his smile melted me. It started with a drink and then dinner and then another dinner and a movie and more drinks, and the next thing you know…Jed’s a millionaire! It took about three months before I realized things weren’t adding up. He’d show up at my house at all hours of the night and he’d never stay the entire night. He’d tell me, “I have an early morning job to do.” My calls would be abruptly ended, “I’ll call you back” – click! He always had the perfect excuses and my stupid ass would fall for all of them. He finally had to come clean, telling me that his marriage had been over for years and how much he loved me and I had done more for him in three months than his wife had done their entire marriage. I dropped him like third period French! That was my first and last experience with a married man. I’m too selfish to share.

CHEATING

No one likes to be cheated on. It hurts like hell. If you are in a relationship and think you’re being cheated on, please get out! Whether you’re the wife, the girlfriend, or a live-in, you are with a man who cheats. It’s his problem. Stop blaming yourself. When your self-esteem is tied up in another person you set yourself up for failure. People cheat in relationships for various reasons, habit, convenience, curiosity, and because they think they can get away with it. It’s not because of something that is wrong with you. I’ve sat for hours with women beating themselves up. “I have gained a lot of weight in the last year.” “I really don’t fix myself up as much as I use to.”

Secondly, ladies, STOP BLAMING HER! There is nothing more pitiful than to see two women compete for the affections of a cheater. In the case of the married man, if he really wanted to leave his wife he would. He’s doing exactly what he wants to do. It’s working so why should he stop? Often times when an affair is discovered by a woman she immediately blames the other woman. Calling the phone numbers you find in his pocket, writing down the mileage on his car, checking his cell phone and cell phone bill. You’re out with your girlfriend like Cagney & Lacey, tracking the woman down to threaten her to stay away from your man. Really? All of that madness is tied to your self esteem. If you’re spending countless hours tracking a man’s whereabouts, why are you with him?

Stop thinking he’s different with her than he is with you. Men are pretty simple. They don’t change from woman to woman. The women may be different but he’s still the same. If he calls you Boo, he may be calling her Boo as well just so he doesn’t slip up.

Stop thinking he’s getting something different from her than he’s getting from you. Women have this habit of assuming the sex at home must not be good, or there is no communication or understanding, which are all things he’s told you and you’ve bought, hook, line and sinker. Nine times out of ten, he’s getting good sex from both of you. Yes, having his cake, dessert and seconds.

I’ve been cheated on when I thought everything was going fine.  Unfortunately, it happens.

Let me just close by saying, if you happen to be a cheater, male or female, have enough decency for yourself and the other person to be safe about it. I know a woman who cannot have children to this day because of some disease her husband brought home.

Chris Rock received a lot of flack in one of his comedy routines when he made the comment:


“Men are only as faithful as their options!”

What do you think?

Is It Time for Your GoodBye?

No one enjoys being dumped, rejected, laid off, denied, delayed or put down. Sometimes – rejection is God’s protection. People can be blinded by fantasy, abuse, guilt or procrastination and not realize because they lack the strength to move on. God has a way of closing doors to unfulfilling jobs, cutting us off from people who mean us no good and ending relationships where we lacked the integrity, self-esteem, faith or courage to mend it or end it.

Sometimes there is some good in a good-bye. There are times we are too naive or in a comfort zone and the only way we can grow is to experience the GOODBYE. – Jewel Diamond Taylor

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. – Ambrose Redmoon

My “intention” with this post is that I know there are many who are at crossroads/transitions in life. Relationships, jobs, friendships, family problems; heavy decisions that need to be made in order to live the life you should be living, or desperately want to live.

Be encouraged today that sometimes, there is GOOD in goodbye.

So You Want to be Loved

“We have to treat people like we want to be treated – not like we’ve been mistreated.”

There is no higher joy than giving without asking anything in return, especially when we give unconditional love.

Selfishness divides us and we claim superiority over one another in the name of love. Why we have problems loving is because we make love too restrictive. It has too many rules, regulations and expectations. Spiritual love is not about tradition and sentiment. Spiritual love is about truth, trust, acceptance and a willing faith. It’s about seeing God through another person and allowing God to love us through another person.

It’s time to release love from those restrictive boxes.  I can’t complete the picture for someone else. I’m not that strong or Godly. The purpose of relationship is not to have another person complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.

Love is a passion which doesn’t take into consideration any reward, utilization or return. It’s Spiritual – wrapped in total acceptance.

It can be difficult to let go of some of the baggage we carry around with us from one relationship to the next but we need to let it go. Otherwise we will be let go. You can’t start the engine of a new vehicle with the key from your former vehicle.

A relationship needs a foundation and two willing builders.  The outside of a person tells us nothing about what’s inside. We should look at people from the inside out instead of the outside in. That’s why so many people are living lonely lives. Choosing love is not like choosing fruit. The cantaloupe might be smooth on the outside but once you cut it open it’s bitter. The cantaloupes that have the lumps and bumps are usually the ones that are the sweetest.   (read that again!)

Love blossoms where differences are respected and people are allowed to be themselves, rather than something that someone else wants or needs them to be. I can’t be everything for you because I have a hard enough time being enough for myself.  Sometimes we don’t have all the answers. Sometimes we’re wrong.  We need to learn to give up the need to be right. There is no right or wrong…it just is!  For me, that is the essence of spiritual love.

We all have an inherent need to merge with those we love. But we simultaneously desire the comfort of detachment. Love requires a certain amount of freedom. You don’t have to stop living just because you’re sharing a life with another person.  Spiritual love can never be caged.

God is attempting to show us the essence of Spiritual Love. It’s all around us if we would only open our hearts to it. Sometimes we have to take risks. We have to step out on faith. How can we reach out to each other if we aren’t courageous enough to let others see who we really are and what we need?

“……………but the greatest of these is LOVE”
1 Corinthians 13

Why Your Dating Profile Isn’t Getting Results

I’ve tried the online dating thing. I’m happy to say, I don’t miss it! While I’ll admit I’ve met some nice guys online, many profiles I viewed I simply sat back and laughed, right before I hit the delete key on my keyboard.

After awhile it became a job in itself. I remember telling my girlfriend, “I can’t get with the bullshit being tossed around on these on-line dating sites?” Let me share some of my experiences with you and then let’s compare notes.

OUTDATED PICTURES – With technology of this millennium there is no excuse not to have a current picture on your profile. While I was online I posted current pictures of myself with the date plastered right on the bottom right hand corner of the picture. Each month I would post new pictures with new dates. I also posted several shots, i.e. a head shot, a full length shot where I was dressed for work and a casual shot in denim jeans. These full length shots of course were of me standing up.

I would be off line for awhile only to go back on and see the same men with the same pictures they were using about five years ago. Some of the photos have the audacity to have the date on them 2004, 2005, 2006 with a caption that reads, “I still look the same.” Are you kidding me? Use a webcam, a camera phone or a bonified camera, connect it to your USB and upload a damn picture. It’s not rocket science! Word of caution: Keep your shirt and pants on and stop posting those pictures of that pretty car sitting on 22’s. If you have to do that to attract a woman, you probably lack substance.  You know who you are!

I HAVE A HARD TIME TALKING ABOUT MYSELF! – The purpose of a dating profile is akin to a resume for employment. The idea is to get the employer to contact you for an interview. What’s the saying? “You only get one chance to make a first impression.” When you say, “I have a hard time talking about myself,” what comes to my mind is RUN FOREST RUN! If you can’t express the basics about yourself, a relationship has zero chance. Who are you? What do you like? Do you have any goals? What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want something stable or do you just desire to have sex? Then say so!

THE LAUNDRY LIST – You give yourself away when your profile consists of a list of demands. No overweight women, no women with nose rings, short hair, bleached hair, crazy hair, tattoos, menopausal…! Must have her own home, car, job and I don’t pay for dates, we split the cost, etc. etc. etc. What this says is that you’ve misjudged and been taken for a ride so you’ve put up these laundry lists hoping to escape the drama this time around. Again, my reaction is: RUN FOREST RUN! We’re all damaged in some way. You’ll mess around and miss out on Miss Right with all those demands.  Stop making every woman pay for the mistakes of one woman who by the way – you chose.

NO DRAMA – I truly get a kick out of the profile that reads: “I’m not into drama so if you’re bringing drama, pass up this profile.” This is usually the person that brings the drama. Again, you know who you are. Refer to the laundry list above.

MONEY TALKS AND BULLSHIT WALKS – Many dating sites offer services for free. If you choose the free route I believe you’re limited to the amount of contact you can have. If you’re serious about finding a connection take your debit card and key it in, pay the ten bucks or whatever it is to allow yourself full access. You say you want a relationship but you don’t want to come off the ten bucks for a membership. That’s real smart.

BE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF – If you’re truly serious about finding an honest, loving relationship, do you boo! Be your 100% authentic self.  You can only fake it for so long. You will be found out.

How has your on-line dating experience been? (Those of you who have tried it) Inquiring minds definitely want to know.  I have several friends who have found the loves of their lives online. I will admit it’s a good way to meet people but it also has its flaws.  Please share.

COMING SOON – You’ve connected – Now What?
I have a few juicy stories to tell. Don’t miss it.