The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
There are two theories to winning an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Change is the only thing that will make things different.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In case of an emergency, notify:”, I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
If the grass looks greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is a lot higher too.
Laughter is so good for the soul!