Thought Provoking #19

WRONG-PERSONIn 1983 Galway Kinnell won the Pulitzer Prize for Poetry. I’ve read a few of his collections in awe. I ran across these words from him and it really touched me.

I’ve written so many pieces about love and how right and wrong it can be. Mr. Kinnell’s words actually make a lot of sense to me. I love the line:  “If you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong.”

I’ve often written the words, we attract who we are. You may have been in relationships where you totally grew to hate or severely despise the other person. Why?  Because some of that very behavior we despise in another person is within us. We attract and are attracted to people who cause us to take a deeper look at ourselves. I’ve always maintained that God put certain men (and people) in my life to teach me some valuable lessons.  If you take the time to sit back and think on past relationships with honesty, you’ll realize that person showed you things about yourself that you needed to know.  It may have been painful but the lesson was there to learn.  For me, that’s what Mr. Kinnell means by wrong in some complimentary way.

In loving someone else we can only give what we have. Period! We can’t give them what we don’t have. We also can’t be for them what they aren’t.  The bible refers to it as being unevenly yoked.  I refer to it as loving equally. When it’s not equal there will always be someone who has more power. There will be someone who gives more.  The only place that leads — is to resentment.  So how do you know if you’re in an equal loving relationship?

When you know within your heart that everything you have and can do, your partner already has and can do for him or herself. 

No one comes without static cling.  We’re all flawed.  It’s literally impossible to find someone who has every single thing we desire in life.  I guess the idea in this piece from Mr. Kinnell is accurate, we find that special person who is wrong for us in just the right way and our scars fall in love.  If done with an open heart and complete honesty, we heal those scars through love.

What do his words mean to you? Please share.

Thought Provoking #18


I don’t have daughters but I do have nieces and young women I mentor.  This quote by talk show host Steve Harvey is exactly what every young woman should be told over and over until it sinks in.

Young girls/women today have tons of peer pressure and the media telling them they have to dress provocative to get attention from a man.

Caption reads:  “Just because you dress like a Slut doesn’t mean you’re a slut.  And just because I act like a rapist doesn’t mean I’m a Rapist.”

Often I see young girls and ask, “How did her mother let her out of the house like that?”


This photo is tagged “Prom dress”  Prom dresses didn’t look like this when I went to the prom.  It’s unfortunate that young girls are starting to dress this way at a very early age.  Mothers, talk to your daughters. Fathers, talk to your daughters.   It’s important for young women to have healthy self-esteem.


Secret Lovers – Are You the Cheater OR the Cheated?

For those of you who have never heard of  Atlantic Starr or their 1985 hit song Secret Lovers, let me introduce it to you. The reason the song shot to #3 on the US charts and was certified Gold – and continues to be a hit on the R & B charts is a testament to the state of the martial/love relationship and the topic of this post. Get a cup of coffee, or a coke, this is going to be a long one.

When two people stand before God and witnesses; profess marriage vows, they usually mean it. The idea of infidelity never enters their minds. To have and to hold from this day forward…yada.. yada.. yada.  In some marriages, years and sometimes months later, the breakdown happens. This becomes a volatile time. Whatever the excuse, “it’s cheaper to keep her,” “I’m staying because of my children,” “I don’t have the strength to start over,” or “It’s complicated.”

Whatever the reason for your cheating on your partner, it’s a no win situation. I’ve talked to more women than men about this problem. So guys, forgive me if you feel left out of this post but there is a pattern with women that I feel needs addressing. Statistically, more men initiate infidelity than women because frankly, I think it’s easier for men to pull it off.

Ladies, listen to me. If you are involved with someone else’ husband the statistics are against his leaving his wife for you. Of the men who leave their wives, very few settle on the mistress and if you’re one of the rare ones naïve enough to believe he has chosen you, beware – he was cheating on her when he got you.

“I didn’t know he was married until I fell in love with him.”

If I had a twenty dollar bill for every time I’ve heard that line. It happened to me once. His name was Steve. I was in college and he detailed my MG Midget. I had never seen a man as fine as Steve. I was in my 20’s and his smile melted me. It started with a drink and then dinner and then another dinner and a movie and more drinks, and the next thing you know…Jed’s a millionaire! It took about three months before I realized things weren’t adding up. He’d show up at my house at all hours of the night and he’d never stay the entire night. He’d tell me, “I have an early morning job to do.” My calls would be abruptly ended, “I’ll call you back” – click! He always had the perfect excuses and my stupid ass would fall for all of them. He finally had to come clean, telling me that his marriage had been over for years and how much he loved me and I had done more for him in three months than his wife had done their entire marriage. I dropped him like third period French! That was my first and last experience with a married man. I’m too selfish to share.


No one likes to be cheated on. It hurts like hell. If you are in a relationship and think you’re being cheated on, please get out! Whether you’re the wife, the girlfriend, or a live-in, you are with a man who cheats. It’s his problem. Stop blaming yourself. When your self-esteem is tied up in another person you set yourself up for failure. People cheat in relationships for various reasons, habit, convenience, curiosity, and because they think they can get away with it. It’s not because of something that is wrong with you. I’ve sat for hours with women beating themselves up. “I have gained a lot of weight in the last year.” “I really don’t fix myself up as much as I use to.”

Secondly, ladies, STOP BLAMING HER! There is nothing more pitiful than to see two women compete for the affections of a cheater. In the case of the married man, if he really wanted to leave his wife he would. He’s doing exactly what he wants to do. It’s working so why should he stop? Often times when an affair is discovered by a woman she immediately blames the other woman. Calling the phone numbers you find in his pocket, writing down the mileage on his car, checking his cell phone and cell phone bill. You’re out with your girlfriend like Cagney & Lacey, tracking the woman down to threaten her to stay away from your man. Really? All of that madness is tied to your self esteem. If you’re spending countless hours tracking a man’s whereabouts, why are you with him?

Stop thinking he’s different with her than he is with you. Men are pretty simple. They don’t change from woman to woman. The women may be different but he’s still the same. If he calls you Boo, he may be calling her Boo as well just so he doesn’t slip up.

Stop thinking he’s getting something different from her than he’s getting from you. Women have this habit of assuming the sex at home must not be good, or there is no communication or understanding, which are all things he’s told you and you’ve bought, hook, line and sinker. Nine times out of ten, he’s getting good sex from both of you. Yes, having his cake, dessert and seconds.

I’ve been cheated on when I thought everything was going fine.  Unfortunately, it happens.

Let me just close by saying, if you happen to be a cheater, male or female, have enough decency for yourself and the other person to be safe about it. I know a woman who cannot have children to this day because of some disease her husband brought home.

Chris Rock received a lot of flack in one of his comedy routines when he made the comment:

“Men are only as faithful as their options!”

What do you think?

Why Your Dating Profile Isn’t Getting Results

I’ve tried the online dating thing. I’m happy to say, I don’t miss it! While I’ll admit I’ve met some nice guys online, many profiles I viewed I simply sat back and laughed, right before I hit the delete key on my keyboard.

After awhile it became a job in itself. I remember telling my girlfriend, “I can’t get with the bullshit being tossed around on these on-line dating sites?” Let me share some of my experiences with you and then let’s compare notes.

OUTDATED PICTURES – With technology of this millennium there is no excuse not to have a current picture on your profile. While I was online I posted current pictures of myself with the date plastered right on the bottom right hand corner of the picture. Each month I would post new pictures with new dates. I also posted several shots, i.e. a head shot, a full length shot where I was dressed for work and a casual shot in denim jeans. These full length shots of course were of me standing up.

I would be off line for awhile only to go back on and see the same men with the same pictures they were using about five years ago. Some of the photos have the audacity to have the date on them 2004, 2005, 2006 with a caption that reads, “I still look the same.” Are you kidding me? Use a webcam, a camera phone or a bonified camera, connect it to your USB and upload a damn picture. It’s not rocket science! Word of caution: Keep your shirt and pants on and stop posting those pictures of that pretty car sitting on 22’s. If you have to do that to attract a woman, you probably lack substance.  You know who you are!

I HAVE A HARD TIME TALKING ABOUT MYSELF! – The purpose of a dating profile is akin to a resume for employment. The idea is to get the employer to contact you for an interview. What’s the saying? “You only get one chance to make a first impression.” When you say, “I have a hard time talking about myself,” what comes to my mind is RUN FOREST RUN! If you can’t express the basics about yourself, a relationship has zero chance. Who are you? What do you like? Do you have any goals? What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want something stable or do you just desire to have sex? Then say so!

THE LAUNDRY LIST – You give yourself away when your profile consists of a list of demands. No overweight women, no women with nose rings, short hair, bleached hair, crazy hair, tattoos, menopausal…! Must have her own home, car, job and I don’t pay for dates, we split the cost, etc. etc. etc. What this says is that you’ve misjudged and been taken for a ride so you’ve put up these laundry lists hoping to escape the drama this time around. Again, my reaction is: RUN FOREST RUN! We’re all damaged in some way. You’ll mess around and miss out on Miss Right with all those demands.  Stop making every woman pay for the mistakes of one woman who by the way – you chose.

NO DRAMA – I truly get a kick out of the profile that reads: “I’m not into drama so if you’re bringing drama, pass up this profile.” This is usually the person that brings the drama. Again, you know who you are. Refer to the laundry list above.

MONEY TALKS AND BULLSHIT WALKS – Many dating sites offer services for free. If you choose the free route I believe you’re limited to the amount of contact you can have. If you’re serious about finding a connection take your debit card and key it in, pay the ten bucks or whatever it is to allow yourself full access. You say you want a relationship but you don’t want to come off the ten bucks for a membership. That’s real smart.

BE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF – If you’re truly serious about finding an honest, loving relationship, do you boo! Be your 100% authentic self.  You can only fake it for so long. You will be found out.

How has your on-line dating experience been? (Those of you who have tried it) Inquiring minds definitely want to know.  I have several friends who have found the loves of their lives online. I will admit it’s a good way to meet people but it also has its flaws.  Please share.

COMING SOON – You’ve connected – Now What?
I have a few juicy stories to tell. Don’t miss it.