Independent Woman – Blessing or Curse?

Posted: October 5, 2012 in Love & Relationships
Tags: , ,

On my birthday a few years back, my boyfriend handed me a beautifully wrapped gift box.  Inside was a gorgeous diamond necklace but underneath the jewelry box was a CD called, “Year of the Gentleman.”  I was familiar with Ne-Yo but had not heard the song “Miss Independent”   When we got in the car from the restaurant he switched the mode to CD and there it was playing in all it’s glory.  On the freeway ride home I sat there intently listening.  He was smiling and singing along when I asked, “How long have you had this CD?”   He told me his best friend had played the song for him one night while they were working and told him, “That’s the kind of woman I want man.”  He reached over, grabbed my hand and with his million dollar smile said, “That’s the kind of woman I have.” At that moment I cried.  He said that he had played the song over and over because it represents exactly who I am as a woman.

So, I wanted to open for discussion the topic of being an independent woman.  Is it a blessing or is it a curse?  Over the years it’s been both for me.

I realize that we all need to feel needed; some more than others.  Men are taught from an early age to be protectors and providers. Some missed the lesson.  Little girls play with dolls and dream of marriage and the house with the white picked fence, two kids and a dog. Some women missed the lesson as well.

Should I be penalized from a loving relationship because I chose to carve out a comfortable life for myself? Should I date someone with less education or less stuff than I’ve acquired?  I have. It usually starts out great but after awhile it fizzled because the man was intimidated.  Some have gone as far as to say to me, “What do you need me for?”   Ouch !!  At one point I tried to tone it down then realized I was not being my authentic self.

I have talked to so many men and women about this independent issue.

A man wants a woman who is attractive, intelligent, and independent – to a point. They want a woman who is capable of cooking, cleaning and doing the “wifely” stuff even if the duties are shared.  They don’t mind that she earns a decent living. In some cases it’s a turn on. In other words, they want someone who is capable of taking care of herself, but not so capable that there is no need for him to be in her life.  How true it this?

I believe the basic rule is the same for men and women: People want to be with someone who is capable of meeting their needs, whatever those needs may be. They also want to be with someone for whom they bring some value to.

Ladies, if you believe you’re independent what EXACTLY does that mean to you?   What I’ve found is many women see independence differently.

Men, what are your feelings about an independent woman?

There is so much more for me to share on this topic but I wanted to save it for the discussion.

CAN WE DISCUSS IT?

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Comments
  1. julie says:

    I think being independent is a curse. I used to take such pride in it and now it just makes me cry because all of that independence has left me completely alone.

    • Hi Julie, When you say ‘completely alone’ I can’t help but ask, are you lonely? To me there’s a big difference. It might sound like a cliche but I find truth in it. Just this morning I was reading an article about Jennifer Anniston’s recent engagement and she said something that really stuck with me:

      “Having experienced everything you don’t want in a partner over time, it starts to narrow down to what you actually do want. As I get older, I realize what qualities are important in love and what suits me. And what I won’t settle for.”

      I’ve had some character building relationships in my life. Some of these relationships went south due to my independence and others went south simply because of incompatability over time. I guess my question to you is: what do you mean when you say completely alone?

      Thanks for your comments.

      • julie says:

        I think I mean lonely but at the time being, I really can’t separate out being alone from lonely. They are one in the same. I’ve just gone through a lot in the last few years and as I get older, I have fewer and fewer people to spend time with, who aren’t busy with families and husbands and meet crappier and crappier men all of which just makes me feel alone and lonely.

        And I can’t help but wonder if I hadn’t been so independent and headstrong when I was younger – if I’d just admitted that I did want to meet someone and had a more realistic idea of what that meant, maybe I wouldn’t be so alone today.

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